Anatomy of That Guy
This section is meant to showcase various changes in emotional and mental behavior when people drink too much alcohol. For instance, someone might start off the night shy and polite, and even fun, yet when he drinks to excess he can soon turn into an Angry That Guy type, or think he is funnier than he is. Also, it allows the audience to think twice about how drinking might affect how they act and what they say. Some of the site visitors may even recognize some of their own or a friend’s behaviors in some of these archetypes. This section will be heavily designed to showcase each of the archetypes.
Drama Queen – Dramatic, obsessive, weepy, jealous, lustful, and feisty.
How to Spot Her:Yells at her boyfriend or criesuncontrollably to her friends about how her ex-boyfriends didn’t really deserve her anyway. Acts jealous and says nasty things about everyone else at the bar. Accuses everyone of trying to take her purse. Chases her shot with a beer.
Appearance: Watery eyes, runny nose, toilet paper sticking to her shoe,and smeared mascara and lipstick.
Moves:Stealing boyfriend's cell phone to look for other girls' phone numbers. Giving dirty looks to other girls, smiling at guys so they’ll buy her drinks, and dancing on top of the bar, but barely standing up. Pushing people who bump her bar stool.
Common Phrases: “I saw you look at her!” “Wanna buy me a drink?” “Do I look fat in these jeans?” "Just one more...pleeeease?" “That guy to my right is the best make out partner everrrrr; that guy to my left is the best make out partner everrrrrr!”
Spectator Value: Low-to-High – Although she might seem like fun to talk to at first, she becomes overly dramatic and more psycho with every drink.
Costs Incurred: Kleenex, guys who think she is too clingy and jealous, friends who are sick of listening to her talk about "her." Has broken three cell phones in 6 months due to drunken run-ins with a tree, a toilet, and the curb (OR because she tends to throw things when she gets upset).
Ends Up: Crying, yelling at someone, falling on the sidewalk outside the bar. Calling her ex-boyfriends demanding to know how they really feel about her. Peeing behind a parked car.
Related Guys: Can quickly regress to Downer Guy or Angry Guy.
Angry Guy - Angry, aggressive, argumentative, accusatory, A-Hole
How to Spot Him: Angry guy has a major “tude” and is ready to rumble. He can take offense at anything you say or do, so keep your distance.
Appearance: Sometimes he looks like a pumped-up reject from World Wrestling RAW, but “liquid courage” can also turn the scrawniest accountant into an in-your-face nuisance.
Moves: Chests-up into others, shoots nasty glances, scans the room for a reason to throw hands.
Common Phrases: “What are YOU looking at?” “You want a piece of THIS?”
Spectator Value: Low-to-High – Although not fun to watch (you’re often looking at your feet to avoid eye contact), some folks do find great pleasure when Angry Guy miscalculates and gets pummeled.
Costs Incurred: Medical/dental expenses, bail money, lost friends who get tired of defending him.
Ends Up: Kicked out, in jail, messed up, beat down, or running for his life.
Related Guys: Can quickly regress to Downer Guy (see description) when he gets beat up or decides that hurting people doesn’t make him feel any better about himself.
Comedian Guy - Attention-seeking, trying-too-hard, jokester
How to Spot Him: You can’t miss him—he’s desperate for attention. Watch the crowds, which often gather around (to laugh at him), or back away (because he’s just pathetic).
Moves: Tommy Boy, 40 Year Old Virgin, and Wedding Crashers impersonations. Lame dance moves that weren’t cool even when they were cool (see The DanceMaster). Streaking in cowboy boots.
Common Phrases: “Knock, knock.” “Listen up, this is so funny.” “Wait, wait, this next one is really funny.”
Spectator Value: High – But you are laughing at his expense. Exception: If you’re on a date with the Comedian, he is decidedly not fun to watch. Also, the old saying goes, “It’s all fun and games until ___.” (you choose the ending)
Cost Incurred: Sometimes low $ (because people buy his drinks to make him act more foolish), lost self respect, damaged reputation.
Ends Up: Alone (women laugh but do not swoon) and depressed. When the laughter fades, he ends up at home watching theCartoon Network with a bowl of cereal.
Related Guys: Life of the Party Guy, the DanceMaster, Jackass Guy, and even Downer Guy (behind the clown is often a sad man).
Player Guy - On-the-prowl, bad-rap, thinks he’s a “player” (he isn’t)
How to Spot Him: He’s the one making his way around the room, in a series of failed come-ons, or zeroing in on one unfortunate “target” who is trying everything short of tasering the guy to get rid of him.
Moves: “The swoop” (a super-speedy slide up right next to a girl at the bar) and “The Lurch” (a creepy, personal-space-invading, over-the-shoulder lean). Talks way too close and touches unreceptive women.
Common Phrases: Anything with “Baby,” “Hotty,” and other condescending rap-killing names. Any number of bad lines, e.g., "Are you religious? Cause you’re the answers to all my prayers."
Spectator Value: Very Low – Particularly if you’re the girl(s) he’s hitting on, or the friend he’s out with (killing your chances of hooking up).
Cost Incurred: Reduced self-esteem (double digit rejections are a bummer), damaged reputation, and future gas money - because he’ll have to drive further next time to find a “hunting ground” where no one knows him.
Ends Up: Alone, hitting on the fast food drive-thru lady on the way home. Resorting to “experiential” romance through 1-900 numbers or via the Internet.
Related Guys: Sometimes becomes the DanceMaster (see description), but a creepy, heavy-breathing, slow-dancing version.
Dancing Guy - Feels the music (too much), shakes his groove thing (too close)
How to Spot Him: He’s “so excited and he just can’t hide it,” flailing enthusiastically on the dance floor - drawing sarcastic encouragement from strangers, and causing his friends to retreat as far away as possible.
Moves: More moves than you can count, including lame moves that weren’t cool even when they were cool like the Running Man, Cabbage Patch, Lawnmower, and Dirty Raccoon.
Common Phrases: "Check this out." "I'm on fire!" "Play some Madonna, already!" “This isn’t House, this is Jungle, you poser.”
Spectator Value: Consistently High – Although as he gets drunker, he becomes increasingly dangerous to himself and others, which always reduces the enjoyment factor.
Cost Incurred: Not much, unless he tips over an amplifier or starts bumpin’ ‘n grindin’ with Angry Guy’s girl. . . or hooks up with some weird Raver chicks who feed him Special K and have stolen his wallet, cell phone, and $130 sneakers.
Ends Up: Passed out at the end of the night from exhaustion. Wakes up with sore muscles, annoyed friends, and an empty wallet.
Related Guys: Life-of-The-Party Guy is a blood brother, The Comedian a close relative.
Life-of-the-Party Guy – Trying sooo hard, living large, having a blast and wants you to know it
How to Spot Him: Red face, bulging vein on the side of his head, squinty eyes, oversalivating (maintain a safe spit-spray zone).
Moves: Lots of hugs, backslapping, thumbs up, occasional friendly headlocks and/or the dreaded “nuggie”.
Common Phrases: “Yeaaah Boy” “This is Awesome” “I heard that!” “Is it hot in here?”
Spectator Value: Low – Partier beware: He seems friendly enough, but wears thin fast and you may not be able to shake him.
Cost Incurred: Big bar tab (maintaining that much enthusiasm requires a lot of fuel and being the life of the party often requires a few rounds for all your new friends). $1.75 for herbal tea the next day to soothe his sore throat.
Ends Up: Passed out on his buddy’s couch with permanent Sharpie drawings on his face.
Related Guys: The Comedian, DanceMaster and, as the night progresses, The Obnoximoron.
Downer Guy - Gloom and doom, brings everybody down, pessimist
How to Spot Him: Alcohol amplifies everything negative in his life, and he’ll often tell you about it (think of that whining Ross guy from “Friends”). Often wearing a frown or pitiful expression. Can sometimes look like a hunchback, bent over his drink, or collection of empties.
Moves: The slump, the sigh, that talk you into your own depression if you get too close.
Common Phrases: “You know what really sucks?” “Can I tell you something?” “If only I had…”
Spectator Value: Zippo - No fun for anyone, under any circumstances.
Cost Incurred: Sucks the joy out of the room for himself and anyone with him.
Ends Up: In a dark room, watching infomercialsand drinking alone.
Related Guys: All of the other That Guys, when their own act wears thin and they’ve driven away others.
Risky Guy - Insane, emboldened, risk-taker, pushes all limits
How to Spot Him: Look for guy flying through in the air (before), or crumpled on the floor (after). Listen for “oohs” of crowd (before), or flesh slap, cracking bones, screams of pain (after).
Moves: Jumping over or sliding down bar, tables, chairs, people, etc.; anything reckless that he thinks will get attention or his “friends” can goad him into; bleeding.
Common Phrases: “Hey guys, watch this.” “I betcha I can.” “Don’t worry, I’ll make it.” “I’m more coordinated when I’m drunk. . .”
Spectator Value: High – Like watching a Three Stooges movie without the other two stooges. Negative spectator value when things go wrong, as the experience may haunt you.
Cost Incurred: Heavy medical expenses, torn clothes, replacement costs for windows and furniture, temporary (or permanent) lost use of limbs, vision or memory.
Ends Up: In the ER, misfortune captured on cell phone cameras and immortalized on the Internet. Lucky if he lives to see the reports.
Related Guys: In a category by himself. No one will claim being related to this guy.